So Who Is Banter's Best Lover?

Adkins raises the questions, Cling Bak answers...

Love making and football, the two surely correlate, don’t they? Well yes, they do. Here at banterfc.com we know it. There’s no actual evidence to back this up, but it is scientific fact.

They say you should treat the football like a lady. Or is that treat your car like a lady? I think its football, and like a lady you should look after it, take care of it, but express yourself with it. And if worst comes to worst and you run out of ideas, smash the thing as hard as you possibly can.

You can tell a lot about an individual’s love making skills from how he conducts himself on the pitch. It's true. Take Big Vidic for example, he’s aggressive and throws his weight about. Tyler’s handling is exceptional. Wommy is very, very quick. Brownie can be extremely lazy. Wilkes is all over the fucking place. You get the idea.

But who is Banter’s best lover?

If it’s all in the delivery, then Ridley must be up there. His gentle approach, soft touch and obvious talent would make him a front runner. You could compare him to Jonny Gill in that sense, because it has been remarked that Gillardino is so relaxed that he’s horizontal – which could come in very handy indeed.

Hughesdog, now there’s a man who gets involved. In the thick of the action all the time, that lad. I imagine he’d be great in an orgy. But, one on one, you have to wonder if he treats Helen like a team-mate or opponent. Because if it’s the latter I imagine he’s showing her up left, right and centre. That might not be too good for a ladies confidence.

We’ve already mentioned a couple of smooth operators and there is no-one more slick than Boma Fantastic. Why do you think they call him Mr Boombastic? His chocolate skin gives him something different to the rest of the squad, for a start. A major hit with the ladies, this guy has a weapon that Al Quaeda are apparently calling: “The way to start World War III”. Does that make him the best? The writing’s on the wall with that one. And so is his love mess.

A couple of years ago and this is a no contest. Rob Morley’s shirt has ‘Romantic’ adorned across the back. That is a winner even if you don’t know who he is. But he’s long gone, despite being a cult favourite on this website.

Experience must count for something, right? Well then nobody is more experienced than Ben Doc. Sadly, any further detail on him becomes very incestuous in this case, and so he’s ruled out immediately.

Fintan? Too soft. Euro? Too small. Hore? Too angry. Wuker? Too busy studying. Cling? Not unless you want it filmed. Bushy? Clue’s in the name. It puts them off.

Now you’d think that only leaves Pasty, but it doesn’t. Not only could he fall asleep on you at any moment, he isn’t the only one left. There are a few left, but our attentions turn to a man who really could take on Roger Moore where charm is concerned. The Irish charm. This is of course, all in reference to Tino. As he once remarked during Crossbar Challenge 2008, wearing an all in one lycra wrestling suit, he really is “all man”. Sure, in recent times he’s been known to miss the target from close range and yes, he doesn’t deal with things too well after too many beers – but all in all, he always delivers. Plenty of communication, always very complimentary and he hits the back of the net more than most.

When he strolls into The Swan, props up the bar ready to order a pint of their finest purple coloured concoction, stand back men: for Tino is about to chat the pants off you, your missus and your missus’ mother; take you all home and show everyone a ruddy good time. There’ll be no need to curse, he will show you how he’s a delightful chap and everyone will be made to work, now.

Tino Turner, simply the best.