Defence

de-fend

–verb (used with object)
1. to ward off attack from; guard against assault or injury (usually fol. by from or against): The sentry defended the gate against sudden attack.

Banter definition: to get the fucking thing clear, quick.

No.: 1
Name: Luke Manhire
AKA: Wuker, Lewis
Age: 24
Pos: Goalkeeper
Apps: 38
Goals: 0

At the time of writing, he has the second most amount of appearances for Banter which proves his dedication and reliability. His ambition is to score at the other end whilst most hope he can keep a few more clean sheets at his own. Wuker is committed, enthusiastic and like a vampire – he doesn’t like crosses.

No.: 2
Name: Chris Davis
AKA: Pasty
Age: 24
Pos: Full-back
Apps: 28
Goals: 0

One of 2008/09’s most improved players. Definitely one of Banter’s best playa’s as well. Unfortunately though, Pasty is a better skier than he is footballer - which has long been a problem for us and him - so he’s now decided to act upon it. He will therefore miss the majority of the 2009/10 campaign in order to go and be the next Eddie The Eagle.

No.: 3
Name: Andrew Hills
AKA: Village
Age: 25
Pos: Full-back
Apps: 28
Goals: 0

He has the turning circle of an army tank and the acceleration of a P&O Ferry, but once he gets going, there might not be anyone faster, including Usain Bolt. Banter’s most improved player of 2007/08, Village will have any winger in his pocket if they get too flash. But that’s ‘cos his shorts are massive to keep his big curly willy in.

No.: 5
Name: Ben Doherty
AKA: Doc
Age: 31
Pos: Centre-back/midfield
Apps: 23
Goals: 1

The older he gets, the further back he goes, hence a couple of seasons in defence and in pre-season he even went in goal. Fatherhood kept Doc away in 2008/09 but this term he is here for good and his experience should prove invaluable. He’ll want to get his record of Banter’s oldest player back from Richie Bennett, too – Doc’s so old he remembers when The Beatles were in fashion.

No.: 6
Name: Parin Patel
AKA: Boma
Age: 24
Pos: Centre/Full-back
Apps: 33
Goals: 1

Voted Banter’s most improved player of 2008/09 and given the goal of the season award, too, so it’s safe to say his second season was good to him. He will want to continue that form into 2010, which he will so long as he can bothered to get out of bed in a morning. He has close to 2,000 different nicknames which he will answer to, his favourites being: Patrick Mboma, Liz Taylor, Waverace 64, Flannel 64, Captain Croydon and Egg Mayo.

No.: 14
Name: Dean Yeoman
AKA: Jewish
Age: 29
Pos: Goalkeeper/Full-back/Midfielder
Apps: 17
Goals: 0

Even if you play him in goal he still forces himself to find a way of doing a 10k run during the 90 minutes. Wherever he is deployed, Jewish gives a hard working and no nonsense display that makes his versatility so useful. In goal is where he usually puts in his most eye-catching performances, if only because of how amazing he looks in all of Wuker’s XL kit.

No.: 16
Name: Andrew Sheridan
AKA: Tino
Age: 27
Pos: Centre-back
Apps: 29
Goals: 8

He has a fantastic scoring record for a defender, even if it is just the 1 that’s come from open play. His ability to put penalties away though has always been important and slot it away he will so long as it isn’t in a cup final. Tino is consistently given man of the match awards for his brave defending and terrific organising at the back. He is always missed when unavailable, but that’s likely to be because Euro then takes spot kicks.

No.: 18
Name: James Manhire
AKA: Jim, Legend Dancer
Age: 27
Pos: Full-back/Centre-midfield
Apps: 30
Goals: 3

The self-titled Legend Dancer (yes, I know it doesn’t make sense I just wonder if he does) has played all over the place and sometimes when given his starting position he’s still a bit all over the place, including on the floor, his arms fixed in the “I didn’t touch him, ref” stance whilst screaming obscenities at himself. His versatility has always been fantastic and more of the same will no doubt be needed in 2009/10 from the all round good organiser of the piss-up.

No.: 22
Name: Alex Bush
AKA: Bushy, The Bushman
Age: 28
Pos: Defender
Apps: 18
Goals: 2

It’s quite possible that when the message goes around about training that week, that Bushy thinks we’re meeting in The Swan and are going on a 2 day bender. He is almost always deployed at the back but will often be found further up field trying his luck to get himself a cheeky goal. Which in fairness he's managed with, too. Nobody is sure which he does more often: go to training or shave. I actually suspect it's the former.

No.: 27
Name: Chris Mann
AKA: Vidic
Age: 23
Pos: Centre-back
Apps: 0
Goals: 0

His nickname seems quite fitting, if not a little random and hugely flattering. But flatten you he will if you’re in for a 50-50 tussle with him as he loves to get stuck in at the back. A new recruit and one of the founding members of long standing 5-a-side team Gerald & The Sopranos, expect either long range pile drivers to amaze you or his millions of questions at Cling to amuse you.