November 2009 Match Reports

Sunday 8th November 2009

Trenham Drive

Banter Central FC 7 - 3 Central Ward [AET]
Brownie (3), Vidic, Adkins, Baird (pen), Boma

Team: Wuker; L.Dancer (Jewish, 106), Boma, Vidic, Cling; Ridders (Baird, 65), Hughes, Adkins, Wilkes; Wommy, Brownie (J-Dot, 75)

10 goals and 120 minutes to see them in. With a big crowd – who were in strong voice with their sing-alongs – the all whites certainly made sure it was entertaining.

Wommy had a half chance in the opening minute after some quick one touch play saw him sent through from a wide angle, he took his shot early but it went wide. Banter have come to love all things football cliché recently, with: “box them in”, “they don’t want it” and having taken the lead: “0-0, boys”, being firm favourites. All can be very meaningful points sometimes, but very often they’re just thrown in there for good measure. The comment from Central Ward following Wommy’s chance was no exception: “That’s all they’ve got, lads”, was the remark. It’s certainly interesting and quite a quick assessment given it’s the only thing we’d done to that point, good or bad.

What Banter did have on the day was complete control in possession. At times it was a fantastic demonstration of possession football, with off the ball movement and creativity causing the away side all kinds of problems. It soon got the first goal of the game when a neat bout of passing saw Wilkes feed Wommy who cut back for Brownie to smash in and make it 1-0 to Central, Banter there of.

But Banter were seriously lacking in decision making from set pieces again and when the ball broke in the area the entire team seemed to freeze; Cling’s header was only half cleared as a Central Ward player pushed the ball forward into the centre-forward who hit a decent shot across Wuker, who saved well but could do nothing as the rebound was mopped up to make it 1-1.

Only one team was going to score again before half time, the best chance following Ward’s goal being Wilkes’ header which cannoned back off the crossbar from an Adkins corner. But Banter took the lead again when some hussling from Adkins in the middle saw him find Hughes, who slipped a through ball for Brownie to slot away well again in off the left hand post to make it 2-1.

After the break, Banter pressed for more goals and continued to create from all areas with Hughes and Adkins threading passes forward and wide, with Wilkes terrorising his marker down the left to devastating affect. When the chances fall though, Brownie tends not to disappoint and he completed his hattrick when Adkins chipped over a pass towards the left, which Brown controlled, nicked it over his marker's head before firing into the far corner to make the scores 3-1. The game should have been killed completely dead from that point and whilst there were accusations of a goalscoring competition going on, one thing that was definitely true was that Banter took their foot off the gas. Even the briefest moments of slacking off (not ‘sucking off’ as Vidic mistakenly shouted out in a tongue tied moment) proved costly and it’s this lack of concentration that saw the Surrey Valley cup match slip away, saw Portland accelerate away in what eventually turned into a thrashing and what could turn out as a surprise result – for some – for Kurdish next weekend, if Banter are not careful. Snigger away, but they’ve picked up 7 points since the two sides met on the Purley Way.

Banter had the chances to see it off. Cross after cross was fizzed through the penalty area without conversion, as more and more bodies from the away side piled forward unmarked. Central Ward pulled one back when a ball over the top made too many white shirts scream for offside whilst Vidic and Wuker didn’t know if they were coming or going as the centre-forward raced through, had his initial shot saved, only to see his strike partner tap-in to make it 3-2. Yes, the flag went up, but let Rob or Wommy's G plead with the ref about it instead of stopping!

Baird replaced Ridders with 25 minutes remaining. Shortly after, Hughes was adjudged to have fouled his marker 25 yards from goal and the number 21 made his thoughts on the matter very clear - justifiably so given he got the ball. The free kick seemed to take an ice age to float up and over the wall as Wuker scrambled down but could only get a hand to it as Ward equalised. It was a sloppy 15-20 minutes from Banter, but it was costly. Jon Stewart came on in place of Brownie up top.

There were still 20 minutes or more remaining of normal time, but both sides drew a blank as it went into 30 minutes of extra time. Banter were handed a lifeline and fortunately, took it. Complacency was not allowed this time as the possession football returned and the legs of the away team faded, whilst the fitness of Banter proved very evident – that box training has clearly paid off!

Heroes sometimes save it for a big moment and step up at unexpected times. Step forward Chrismanja Vidic. When a corner wasn't cleared properly, Adkins slipped the big man through on the edge of the area, he trapped it, spun, and somehow got through before smashing a shot into the far right hand side of goal, much to everybody’s surprise and delight. Wommy should have had a penalty before the break, but his own honesty in stumbling to keep chasing the ball probably cost him. More on that later, 4-3 at half time in extra time.

As with the first 15 minute period, Wuker was untroubled again as Banter pressed forward in search of more goals. Hughes had more than a few efforts from distance, but if ever you want the ball to drop to someone 30 yards from goal in a Banter shirt, you’d be hard pushed to ask for better than Adkins. He touched the ball wide to Baird, got it back after some typical hussling and letting the ball run across his body he then peppered the ball long, up and into the top left corner. He was happy and celebrated with the Frank Drebin 3 strikes dance.

Baird got himself booked for kicking the ball away and telling the referee to “fuck off”, but when a touch on him in the penalty area was made, he promptly hit the deck and won Banter a spot-kick. It was a foul and it was a demonstration on how to put no doubt in the referees mind. Baird was adamant he’d take it as the greed for goals seemed to sneak in again too. No bother, he converted it confidently for his 10th Banter Central career goal and second of the season.

Goal seven saw a lovely move finished off rather disgracefully. But Boma is a disgrace so I don’t know why anyone should expect anything different. Cling played a one-two with Wommy down the left, burst into the area and past his marker, hitting a ball across goal for Boma, who went to cushion it in with his right boot but smashed it up and onto his own hand and in to make it 7-3. That was how it finished as four extra time goals against tired opposition saw it off. Round 3 awaits.

Man of the match: Dan Wilkes. A goal would’ve been the icing on his cake and he nearly had one with that header and a one-on-one saved, but he was excellent throughout nevertheless. Tireless work rate which we’ve always come to expect, along with some excellent touches and link-up play down the left and with the roasting of his marker on countless occasions to pop in a cross, too. Wilkes, Wilkes will tear you apart, again. Also, this was his first full Banter match, playing start to finish, but then you probably knew that, didn’t you?

A thoroughly entertaining encounter, if a little frustrating at times. When on song, there were some excellent performances. This spanned for about the first hour, the end of normal time and the duration of extra time; but that period around two thirds in was costly and we need to learn from it. We hit back positively, but the truth is that we’d have been very disappointed with ourselves had we drawn 3-3 and taken 1 point in a league game of a match we utterly dominated. It worked out fine and was very enjoyable – but just be warned!

Sunday 1st November 2009

Woodmansterne P - P Banter Central FC

So Sunday’s game, with a few hours of rain behind it and message filters through that ‘standing water is emerging’, thus making the pitch unplayable. It seems unlikely that it wouldn’t have settled, though we’ll never know for sure. But what’s more amazing is when you compare this situation to what happened back in January for a game we did play. We were allowed to play on a frozen pitch at Ashburton Playing Fields against Carlton. The two situations are not even comparable. But as they say in football, these things even themselves out – Euro should never have been able to get a game that day given how dangerous it was and yet he’ll be gutted not to get a run out on Sunday after the morning showers.

Everybody loves to speculate and you can usually guess what kind of match report you’re going to get every week anyway, so here are the probable player appraisals from the away match to Woomansterne:

Wuker – Came off his line to claim well, though that one occasion where you came out with your studs up and hands behind your back nearly took your opponent’s head off.

Doc – Called for us to win the second ball well, gave away free kicks to stop dangerous breakaways with the move that has become known as: ‘I will always catch you – even if that’s because I’ve taken you clean out’.

Boma – You don’t have to start on every player you come up against. Nice recovery tackle; Wuker was in trouble, there.

Vidic – Won every header and didn’t put one past your own goalkeeper. Good work.

L.Dancer – Don’t apologise to him, apologise to your teammates for that is the 1200th time you’ve clattered someone on the edge of your own penalty area whilst saying sorry in mid-air. Nice Hollywood through balls, though.

Cling – Next week, you’ll get a goal and this time it really will keep Fintan quiet.

Ridders – Nice crosses, nice skill down the wing - you remind me of a young Glen Helder. Shhhh, please

Hughes – The nut megs were spot on, as was the flick over your opponents head on the half volley with the outside of your boot. Keep those shots from 25 yards down, though. The squirrels will be less than happy

Adkins – Great passes wide and lovely clipped balls over the top. Try and move beyond the perimeter of the centre-circle though.

Wilkes – Put lots of hard work in until eventually substituted. You’ve been brought off more times than Ron Jeremy.

Baird – Nice hair, nice dive, nice header, nice quote. Have I ever told you that you’re nice?

J-Dot – It was going so well until you wrestled the referee to the ground and threatened to choke him the f*ck out. I did agree with your point though, I thought that we kicked off a couple of minutes early after half time as well.

Wommy – Strong for someone so small and not a minute after being told he’s rubbish in the air, managed to out-jump the towering centre-back who was standing on his team-mates shoulders. Quick, energetic, caused problems, etc.

Brownie – If you spent as much time in the penalty area as you did hovering outside it thinking up your latest statistic to demonstrate how much you bring to the side, you’d be better than Nicolas Anelka. With or without the sulking. Nice hattrick, by the way.

Euro – Wonderful turn of pace from out wide and a genuine pleasure to see him back until he speaks. Speed might be the only attribute in your locker though, as it’s a shame you missed so many sitters – you could’ve had 2-3 goals today.

Man of the match: The groundsman.

If you can spot the deliberate mistake, flag it up to the usual address: clingbak@yahoo.com. Or just tell me.