Top Five Worst Conditions

Following the pitch that Croydon Independiente felt compelled to apologise for on 20th February 2011, it got people wondering what are the all time worst pitches and conditions played in for Banter. That was one hell of a boggy pitch and difficult conditions, carrying on Banter's tradition of having to endure such problem pitches in the CMSF League Cup.

When compiling such a list, it was important to think about the playing surfact itself, of course; but that may or may not mean the pitch would be decent in the first place. The other key ingredient is the weather and what that will do to a pitch and the players, as adverse conditions can play a part to the grass but also on how hard it becomes to play football with wind, rain, ice, tornados etc.

Thanks to those who helped chip in.

#5. 2 May 2010, Banter Central FC vs. Santos 92

The ground:
Trenham Drive, Warlingham. What? Not our beloved home ground, surely?! Indeed.

The conditions:
Rain, rain, rain. It was scheduled for Shelton Avenue, but a waterlogged pitch had it moved – mere minutes before kick off – down the road. Though it looked better to begin with, the pitch was not holding up and passes were stopping in puddles throughout, making the game pretty tough. The rain didn’t stop even for a breather. It’ll probably not rain like that in May for a while. Like, about three months.

What was the score?
A 2-2 draw, with Santos grabbing the equaliser in the last five minutes to save themselves from relegation. But then Madras got an unexpected result from Maple Tree the following week so went above Santos again, but the league thought they wouldn’t bother relegating either of hem anyway. Weird.

Cling and Brownie got Banter’s goals to equalise and then lead before it was finally all drawn level.

Conditions aside, it’ll be best remembered for…
A few things. Firstly, Doc getting a broom to sweep the goal mouth. It was a losing battle that everyone loved to watch as he vigorously swept the puddle and then watched it pour back in. It was like he’d turned up to an earthquake with a dustpan and brush. Well, sort of.

As the last game of the season with fourth position a certainty, Banter played every single player out of position. That included Baird and Wilkes as centre-backs – an experiment which went better on this occasion than the one against AFC Surrey in November 2010 – Vidic and Tino in midfield, Wuker coming on at left back and crucially, Cling up front where he scored his first Banter goal in over a decade.
 

#4. 2 December 2007, Golden Lion II vs. Banter Central FC

The ground:
Duppas Hill, Croydon. One of the top pitches as well, just to make it even less fun.

The conditions:
Another rain fest. A flat enough pitch, but so small it was questioned many times whether it was even supposed to be for adult’s, as the crossbar could be reached using your tip toes and under 13’s were always running around on the one next door.

The ball was holding up in puddles by the second half and the bounce in some areas was non existent but in others huge, making it as inconsistent as Banter Central themselves back in those early days. But the rain was so bad that the referee – the legend that is John Tree – called in both captains after an hour to ask if we wanted to call it a day. The rain was clearly getting into everyone’s ears and Lion’s skipper thought that instead of saying: ‘abandoned’, the ref had called him an arse bandit. Which he was anyway, in fairness.

What was the score?
The game continued and it finished 2-1 in favour of Golden Shower Reserves, naturally.

Jonny Gill scored late on to keep it interesting and get a goal back, but Banter couldn’t get the equaliser after Euro had squandered a chance from the penalty spot at 1-0.

Conditions aside, it’ll be best remembered for…
Golden Lion’s goals, probably.

The first came from a cross down the left which Doc tried to cut out but slipped into his own net. With his daughter due to be born 3 days later, his mind was clearly elsewhere.

The second was scored by Lion’s goalkeeper. Who, most will recall, was an extremely dislikeable individual. “Their keeper scored? Did he come up for a corner?”, I hear you ask. No, he didn’t. “Does he take penalties?”, you may wonder. No, he doesn’t. “He’s not a free kick specialist, is he?”, you’d be forgiven to ponder. Nope. Perhaps just a goal kick specialist. As the baldy held the ball in his hands – following what was probably a sitter from Euro which he tapped into his arms – he launched the ball down field and with the wind behind it, on a pitch like this one, it really didn’t have far to go. Still, carrying a fair distance it bounced in front of Wuker, who flapped as it zipped up off the greasy surface and lobbed him. It was a sad moment.

#3. 22 November 2009, Portland vs. Banter Central FC

The ground:
John Ruskin playing fields, Croydon. You smiled as you read that, didn’t you?

The conditions:
Possibly using some sort of Racehorse simulator, this was like something from The Truman Show. Another pitch the size of your tele, this time with added 50% incline from one corner to another, the rain was awful, the wind made running uphill almost impossible - at times you were blown in its direction whether you liked it or not - and the pitch was cut into smithereens during the second half.

Described by Ridders as his worst experience, he said: “Dealing with that slope in the second half was like running up the Gladiators travelator and facing those throw-ins was like getting pummelled by Shadow on Duel.

What was the score?
In the second round of the league cup, Portland took away a 3-2 win.

Wommy opened the scoring in the first half, shooting downhill, and Banter held that lead until the half time break. But Portland were relentless in the second half and pinned Banter into their penalty area for the most part, scoring three times before Brownie grabbed a late second for his side.

Conditions aside, it’ll be best remembered for…
Arrow Ball MK II. It might well have been round two of the cup, but it was also round two of this mini game. Banter had played Portland twice in 2008/09 and the long throw tactic had never been used. During the first half of a league match in October 2009, it was also not utilised. Then the second half came. That downhill slope was perfect and if you think you’ve seen a long throw-in, you’ve never seen anything quite as good as a Jamie Atkins special. An absolute nightmare to deal with, Banter knew going into this cup game that they’d need to find a way to deal with it.

For 25 minutes of the second half, Banter did. Again not used first half, they prepared for the onslaught in the second 45 as conceding corners was a better option than a throw. Adding rain and gailforce winds to the equation made it even worse as Banter battled to stop the ball every going over the touchline for a throw. It remained 0-1 for most of the half and as the rain poured so hard it was blinding people and the throws came in just as ferociously. The angle, spin and accuracy with which this lad can flight the ball is nothing short of remarkable. So that’s all they did. Eventually, after 70 minutes, a deft flick went in at the near post and the floodgates were open. There was no way back now.

#2. 23 November 2008, Purley Phoenix vs. Banter Central FC

The ground:
Mayfield Road, Croydon. You’ve never seen more excitement from a team, as when Banter turned up at the Keith Tuckey stadium. Entering expansive changing rooms with fantastic facilities, Banter looked out to see a couple of grandstands bearing down on a well kept playing surface. Just how have this lot secured this ground? Well, they hadn’t. Our pitch was just outside the stadium and was about to be beaten up by hundreds of studs during an hour and a half of torrential rain.

The conditions:
You’d be forgiven for thinking that a drop of rain causes panic amongst the Banter ranks. Which it doesn’t, because if anything it excites people too much for a cheeky slide tackle. It’s the effect it has on the pitch, whereby it goes beyond a zippy surface perfect for knee slide celebrations and slick passing to a schoolyard favourite called ‘stuck in the mud’. Which was always a shit game and nowhere near as good as run-outs, 40-40 man hunt, hopscotch or kiss chase.

It rained so hard that Kid Baird, an injured spectator, decided to go home to stay dry. The mud meant every pass had to be chipped.

What was the score?
5-1 to Purley Phoenix. Quite weird that in each of the last three seasons of this competition, Banter have gone out to memorably bad playing conditions, this being round one, the following year (mentioned above, Portland) in round two and just recently in round three to Independiente. Still, that should mean that next year we’ll get eliminated in the quarter finals having gone out on penalties playing in Loader’s toilet bowl.

Adkins got Banter’s only goal, directly from a free kick which went over the goalkeeper’s head. It was a cruel scoreline with the home side leading 1-0 at the break having gone a goal ahead on the stroke of half time. Purley’s next goal wouldn’t be until the 75th minute and the final two in injury time.

Conditions aside, it’ll be best remembered for…
Injuries, Wuker and built up excitement. Wommy pulled his hamstring inside five minutes and was replaced by Cling, who was also carrying a hamstring injury himself. Banter had little outlet up front but battled extremely hard, putting in a decent performance.

Purley’s first goal was from 35 yards or more, a screamer which Wuker got a fingertip to as it crashed in off the post. He made a wonder save in the second half, springing down to his near post and stopped a couple more using his reflexes late on. It gave Banter a fighting chance for a while, but Purley had too much.

Looking at that stadium beforehand was so strange that Tino, having arrived early, rang Cling to ask what the hell was going on. It was a dreadful let down, because if you’re going to get thrashed, we’d all like it to happen in more pleasant conditions.

#1. 11 January 2009, Carlton United vs. Banter Central FC

The ground:
Ashburton playing fields, Shirley.

The conditions:
Ice, ice, baby. Fully assuming it’ll be called off; Banter made the phone call beforehand but journeyed over and looked on in disbelief as the referee deemed the pitch playable. In terms of whether you can physically be on the pitch, with a football and whistle being blown, anything is playable. But safely playable is another story. We've all been there and we all want games to go ahead, but this was the only time everyone stood there fearing for their safety - and that had nothing to do with the opposition, either.

Tapping your fist on the ground hurt, it was that solid. Quite what would've happened had someone's head landed on it is another question. There was no right or wrong answer where footwear was concerned as no matter what option you took, you’d slide around and take 30 seconds to change direction, scampering as fast as you could like something from a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

What was the score?
4-0 to Carlton United. With the scores level at the break, it looked like ice skating and football weren’t going to mix properly. But Carlton found two goals before Wuker gave away a penalty, got himself sent off and Boma was being beaten a couple of times before he knew it.

Conditions aside, it’ll be best remembered for…
So many things. Euro, assuming the game was off, arrived late having gotten a voicemail from Pasty to say: “Get a riggle on, mate, we've kicked off”, but not properly explaining why he was needed. Banter therefore began with ten men.

Carlton’s centre forward got himself sent off for throwing punches and so did a substitute for a couple of air shots as everyone piled in following a challenge between Adkins and an opposing player. Then Wuker got sent off soon after for a lunge in the box, which at 2-0 even at the time, effectively ended the game.

Boma’s first job as goalkeeper was to pick the ball out of the net, having been beaten by a penalty. Then he got lobbed late on when he was off his line and about two feet wide from the centre of his goal.