Where Are They Now?

They came, they played, they'll go down in history. Well, Banter's history anyway.

There aren't many that come into the Banter fold and leave for no reason, but it's happened. In fact, many don't leave at all. People get sucked in and can't get out as they somehow have it drilled into them that this is the best way to waste your time.

But the burning question is, who are the most missed and what do they do with their Sunday mornings now? Probably not a lot, but here's the countdown of those we all love to remember most.

First though, some ground rules. They have to have left their playing capacity and it be clear that they've done so. So no Euro, our continental import might not play much but the lad is a part timer in Guernsey. No Jonny or Pasty either, they're just away too and will be back. Sorry, I know that rules out one fan favourite. So with that in mind, who are Banter's top 5 to go missing...

#5. Ben Law - 2007 - 4 games, 1 goal

Homecroft Cavendish Mortgages Ltd. is the name that can be seen on the front of the Banter home shirt and responsible for that is Lawsy. Many believed that part of the deal struck with securing that sponsorship was a playing contract for himself in return as it seemed unfathomable that anyone would seriously want him as part of their squad. People thought the deal would guarantee him a certain number of games and then he could be dropped, but not so. They were all wrong.

He had a good pre-season, was dedicated to the cause and was involved every week. He played in Banter’s first ever game (the official and unofficial, depending if you count friendlies or not) and he equalised for Banter in their first ever win over Sanderstead Spitfires in September 2007 with a fabulous looping effort from the edge of the penalty area.

So where did he go? He took it easy after a few games at right back and central midfield and decided it just wasn’t for him anymore. Doc reckons Lawsy has tried everything there is to try before giving up after a couple of months. Whilst that could be a very long and perhaps inappropriate list, one suspects karate, judo, badminton, squash, darts, snooker, rock climbing, marbles and pogs are amongst the list of activities attempted before calling it a day. He’s also rumoured to have been a member of more gyms than Arnold Schwarzenegger, before giving up, which starts to make senseas soon as you read the “before giving up” part.

Due to his association as the lead sponsor, Lawsy will always have an affiliation to the club and whilst not the most talented player out there, he proved useful when he did play. So much so that Rob Stewart later stated that “we miss Lawsy in midfield”, which I think would’ve been one of Rob’s total overreactions to a loss more than anything else.

Lawsy is now settled down and happily married, doing so in December 2009 and is never far away, particularly if there's a game of poker going. If nothing else, always remember that before Jon Stewart, Ben Law was Banter’s #12.

#4. Mick Lee - 2008 - 6 games, 1 goal

A dedicated soldier, ‘Lick Me’ – as his friends liked to call him – used to travel from Dagenham every Thursday and Sunday and did so without fail for a good four months. So forget about the nonsense you hear from that fairy boy Hughescat about it all being too far, too much, too difficult and would instead rather practice his showboating in the front of the mirror every Thursday instead; Mick put the effort in living even further afield.

Obscenely left footed to the point of lob-sidedness, Mick will be remembered for a few things; Firstly that it was always very difficult to understand a bloody word he said. Banter has always been very multi-cultural, despite what ‘Supporter’ Eaton might tell you, and we have therefore always embraced the Irish contingency with open arms, but at times I wonder whether the noises coming out of his mouth were just done for a laugh.

He will also be remembered for the amount of individual shots he would hit during a game. Now, the cynics out there will be quick to pick up on that and wonder if that’s meant in a good way or bad since everyone’s always being encouraged to take more shots. Point taken, there. But from 30, 40 or 50 yards it starts to become ridiculous. He got his only Banter goal in the very memorable 5-1 stuffing of Santos in October 2008, where after taking I would guess 15 efforts alone he finally got one on the rebound and wheeled away in delight. Perseverance brings results. Just look at Frank Lampard.

Finally, Mick took away the honour of miss of the season from Cling just minutes after the captain had seen his own effort trickle wide of an open goal against Croydon Postal. With an empty net himself and a cut back from the wing, Mick sent the ball sailing over the crossbar from barely 6 yards and all because… This time he hit it with his right peg.

A keen rugby fan, Mick decided that he wasn’t quite getting everything he’d wanted out of Banter Central and so moved on after only a couple of months of playing, having trained from the summer. He remains a physiotherapist and part time English translator.

#3. Andrew Moreland - 2007-09 - 24 games, 4 goals

Players who have not scored more goals for Banter Central FC than Hore: Cling, Fintan, Legend Dancer, Shannon, Gillardino, Ridders, Wilkes and many more too. Which probably says more about those non scoring players with lots of appearances than it does boast about Hore’s abilities in front of goal. However, he was a mainstay up front in Banter’s first season and whilst he looked continually disinterested and remained about as loyal as Ashley Cole, he has racked up a fair few appearances in his time.

Having begun the second season and already expressing that he can’t be bothered anymore anyway, he got a freak injury which gave him problems walking properly, let alone playing football. The internal bruising of his quadricep still appears to give him problems now and again, though he hasn’t played competitive football since November 2008. He reappeared for pre-season training in 2009 and played a friendly too when he heard there was a chance of playing against people he knew and therefore getting the chance to prove a point. Quite what point, I don’t know though.

He’s expressed his desire to return only when Banter reach a cup final, so that he can come on with twenty minutes to go, give the ball away and look on as Wuker gets lobbed from 40 yards again. But mostly, the man obsessed with men's muscles enjoys his rugby more these days as he continues to be confused about what his favourite sport really is. Apparently his final decision went in favour of beach volleyball having watching a particular scene from Top Gun.

Hore remains on the scene every now and then and can now be found mostly proposing to females in Warlingham, as he goes from job to job falling out with more authority figures than Brian Clough. He still takes a keen interest in the club and if the weather’s good, it was a full moon the night before, he isn’t busy or babysitting, he uses his season ticket to come and watch the boys. Well, he is the chairman, after all.

#2. Rob Morley - 2008 - 3 games, 6 goals

He always scored when he played and he remains the subject matter for the much asked question: “What happened to Rob Morley?”. Which is good, otherwise he shouldn't really make this list. Oh what might have been had he kept his promise and played during the 2008/09 season. His record suggests that anything could have been possible and as a result of him not playing, there was no replacement brought in immediately, nor even a fit and available striker of note at all.

Banter faced Milburn Reserves in February 2008 and needed a win to stand any chance of advancing in the League Cup. Win they did, 9-1 no less and Morley bagged 4 goals on his debut, assisting twice more. He set-up the equaliser and scored the winner the following week to secure Banter’s path to the semi-finals and equalised in the final, too. He didn’t just score the goals, he improved the whole team in doing so. He played much of the final as a lone central striker and no player before or since has managed to do that with anything like the success that he managed.

He has a tendency to fall out of love with the playing side of football and his undoubted ability has been put to waste for much greater sides than Banter (hard to believe). He pulled out of the first pre-season friendly of the following season at short notice and hasn’t been seen since. Well, not for Banter anyway. Now we only have the memories, along with a #17 shirt with the name ‘Romantic’ on the back, which has since become a cult hit and worn for comedic purposes in his loving memory.

Rob now travels the World and lives the dream. He was spotted back in November as he planned a winter break to India in order to hide away from, presumably, another football manager that he didn’t want to call back.

#1. Andrew Hills - 2007-09 - 28 games

He scored an own goal against Milburn, he let the ball go through his legs on the goal line against Croydon Corporation, he came onto the pitch and caught the ball when he was linesman even though it hadn’t gone out, he tossed a throw-in one yard in front of himself and didn’t know what to do, he wiped Pasty clean out at training during the 'numbers game' and of course, he played almost every week with a broken something. Village was probably the hardest right-back in the Croydon league and this has nothing to do with his enormous, green, curly willy. He had the acceleration of Donkey Kong and turning circle of an army tanker, but once he got going he was like a fucking freight train.

His dedication was unparalleled for a long time. Immensely reliable and would take one for the team as well as do what he needed upon instruction every week. He was the only player to be present at every game in 2008/09 and in 2007/08 he won Banter’s most improved player of the season. He put in one hell of a shift at wing-back against Santos in February 2008 which earnt him the man of the match award, too. His time was filled with comedy but he proved a bloody useful player as well. He is one of the vital players that got Banter Central going because without his like to stay dedicated and show up, it wouldn’t have been possible.

So what happened? The answer is, I have absolutely no idea. He hasn’t been in attendance, for football or for anything, since October. He probably still shows up to work, but then he shows up to work for about 18 hours every single day. These days, he just doesn’t make contact with anybody. Admittedly, when social skills were being dished out he was probably at the back of the queue and he was only at the back because that morning he'd been taking his cycling proficiency and the chain on his bike broke on the ride back up.

He was spotted by a couple of Sopranos in Whyteleafe petrol garage shortly before Christmas (I know, you couldn’t make it up), though reports that he was hobbling along and struggling to walk are unfounded.

He probably still smokes, he probably still eats kebabs and he definitely still rides his bicycle everywhere. To save Cling Off Productions a follow-up to ‘Where The Hell Is Al Paydn?’, Banter Central urges their #3 and perfectly formed beer bellied friend to come back. We miss him. Without him, he is depriving this village of an idiot and he's definitely depriving Banter of their all time favourite homo erotic chav.